48 hours. That’s how long it takes before I feel the need for another dose. I need another hit of that high. I just want to feel it again. How long will it be until the next time? I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve emptied my bank account just to escape my daily mundane existence. I speak not of drugs, but of life-changing journeys. I just came home from my 4 week adventure in Chicago and it feels as though I am crashing from an addictive high. I am addict, an addict of adventure. One adventure has ended, and I cannot wait for the next to begin.
During my 3rd week in Chicago, my family asked me if I was ready to come home. My answer was a short and simple NO. Then it got me thinking….have I ever been homesick? I wasn’t homesick when I was in Europe for over 2 weeks this past summer and I even considered extending the trip. How long would it take for me to get homesick? I still have yet to find out. I’d be lying if I told you I did not miss home at all. Of course I missed my family, my dog Peanut, home-cooked Vietnamese meals, and sleeping in my own warm bed. But the familiar feeling of home usually brings me more sorrow than solace. Home has become a safe haven for me, but what’s safe no longer satisfies me. If I wanted safe, I’d still be working that miserable cubicle corporate job running the rat race to push my way up the corporate ladder. After just 6 months of that, I realized quickly…this CANNOT be my life. I don’t want to live a predictable life. I don’t want to be sitting glued to a chair staring at a computer screen all day. The status. The money. The power? None of that shit matters to me.
I still am not sure exactly what I want out of life, but as I get older…it’s getting easier to identify what I don’t want. Living life by deduction may not be the ideal way, but at least I keep trying. The only thing that worries me most is that, I’ll never be content. Am I going to be like my father? The one who wanders forever because now and here is just never good enough.
Ahhh…I never intended for this blog to be an emotional dumping ground, but my mind is a black hole of emotions right now!
On a lighter note, being away from home isn’t so bad when home comes to you! Two of my favorite people came to visit me for a weekend in Chicago for my birthday and I was able to stuff 36 hours of our crazy weekend in a 10 minute video! Check out the 1st of many videos to come!
Ta-Ta- for now my loves!
It’s officially no longer my birthday, but there’s still much to celebrate. I reveal some big news in my newest video below!
As I was uploading and editing this video, I noticed that I’ve never looked happier. But truth be told…I had my little birthday meltdown towards the end of the night. For the last two birthdays, especially since reaching the quarter century mark, I have been feeling this sense of impending doom on the day of my birth. I remember the morning that I turned 25, I woke up in tears because I was not happy with the fact that I was well into my twenties and still not where I wanted to be in life. Then when 26 rolled around, it just felt like another year…still lingering in the gray. I woke up this morning not feeling any particular way and I went about my day as I would any other. Some people don’t make big deals out of birthdays, and some do. I’ve always kind of been in between. I like to reflect on the day of my birth, maybe sometimes a little too much. I don’t need all the presents or the attention, but I think it is essential to take a hard look at myself whenever another year rolls around and reevaluate where I’ve been, where I am, and where I am going in life. There are so many people who just go through the daily motions of everyday life, doing what they think they are supposed to do, but never actually LIVING. I have to make sure that no matter what age I am and no matter how old I get, I have to continue to LIVE. And by LIVE…I mean truly pursue an active, meaningful, and fulfilling life.
I fought back tears today as a blew out the candles on my 2 delicious little cupcakes. I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I cannot fight my feelings anymore. There is so much going on in me and around me that has caused this shock to my core. I feel awake. I feel more alive than ever. But for every smile, there is also a tear. For every laugh, there is a cry. I am happy, but I am also sad. I am enthusiastic about the future but I also worry about what may come of my decisions and how it will change me and the people I hold so dear to my heart. So as much as I’d like to pretend that happiness is a final destination….I have to accept that happiness is only what it is because of all the hardships, fears, and tears that we must suffer through to reach that ever elusive place. Happiness is fleeting. It comes and it goes, and sometimes for too long…we forget what it feels like to be truly happy. But for those blissful moments, however short lived they may be, it’s always worth it to fight for them and pursue them. I once felt dead in my darkest hours, but I can finally say that I feel reborn now at the sweet age of twenty seven.